Stupid Saiyans
by Queenofprocrastination
Summary: In a world where Buu is defeated, and no imminent threats occur, a certain group of saiyans find themselves acting incredibly stupidly to pass the time. What can the idiots get up to? who knows? Who wants to know...
1. Chapter 1

Goku woke with a start, hyperventilating and gasping frantically as his mind recovered from his night terror. Out of instinct, he immediately scanned the area around him for unfamiliar ki. Assured his family and he were safe, he relaxed slightly. He analysed his surroundings, and felt the fear swell in his chest as his eyes set upon the peaceful face of his sleeping wife.

"Chi Chi?" he whispered, nudging her slightly. At her lack of response, he tried again, marginally louder.

"Chi Ch? Please wake up..." Irritated at her lack of response, he roughly grasped her shoulders and shook her.

"CHI CHI! WAKE UP NOW"

She screamed and woke up, flailing around in her bed as she adjusted to her surroundings. HIs shocked wife managed to whack him on the nose before he restrained her wrists. She gazed up at Goku and furrowed her eyebrows in anger. "Goku! What the hell?" she screeched, watching him wince at the sting in his eardrums. At this point, both Gohan and Goten had sensed the fear and stirred from the screaming ,and bombarded into the room at super saiyan level.

"Dad! what happened?"

"Why are you two yelling?" Both the sons spluttered out at the same time, worry plastered on their faces as they sank into a fighting stance.

"Boys, calm down. There's no threat, stop worrying, "Goku assured, pulling a still startled Chi Chi into a protective hug. They grew calmer, but remained ready to fight. Chi Chi however, was fuming. "Then why on earth are you screaming at my face whilst I'm trying to sleep?" Chi Chi demanded, feeling around for the frying pan she kept under her bed.

"It's a long story, gather around boys and I'll start from the beginning." Goku said, gesturing for his sons to join him on the bed. Concerned by her husband's rare serious tone, she sat herself up and waited expectantly. Goten looked up at Gohan, and the eldest half-breed nodding encouragingly before Goten slammed into his father's chest and rubbed the almost tears from his eyes. He had always thought of his dad to be the strongest ever, and anything that scared his dad terrified little Goten. He'd rather face Buu a hundred times than watch his father tremble with fear. Goku stroked his hair, then held out his hand for Gohan to sit next to him before he proceeded. Sceptically, Gohan tiptoed over and also leaned into his father, as he felt Goku's arm snake around his shoulder. His family comfortably surrounding him, he began retelling his dream.

"Chi Chi and I were on our way to the supermarket, and I was excited after she told me I could pick out any of the groceries that I wanted. I was so eager, and the traffic was too slow, so I slammed my feet through the bottom of the car Flintstone-style and ran us there to save time. Your mother wasn't even bothered, she just laughed and told me to go faster." Chichi inwardly shivered. There was no doubt in her mind that Goku would resort to such recklessness in order to get food.

"We finally reached the store, and I didn't even bother parking the car as I leapt out of the moving vehicle and burst through the semi-opening automatic doors and eyed the food in awe as the glass tinkered around my feet. Unsure of where to go first, I grasped the cutlery that I had in my pocket as I noticed a steaming steak calling me from across the shop." Totally sucked into the story, Goten didn't even notice as a drop of drool leaked out of Goku's mouth and precariously threatened to fall on his head.

"I spiked up my ki and launched my flight to the steak, when I was smacked to the ground by a powerful blast. When I recovered and got to my feet everything seemed dark, and the items of food began disappearing from the shelves of the aisles. I yelled for it to come back, but the emptiness just laughed in my face. I drunkenly threw my feet in front of one another and chased the disappearing food, only to find that there was nothing on either side of me." Goku paused his story, and drew in a few ragged breaths. The saiyan in his lap hugged him a little tighter, and his sweat heart patted his broad shoulder as encouragement. Spurred on by his loving family, he resumed.

"I looked again to the end of the store to locate the steak, but my heart stopped at what I saw. Slowly, it stopped steaming and started rotting: the flesh peeled; the sinews shrivelled and coiled; there was a patch of mould that expanded along the surface and the smell of rotting meat invaded my nose. It was dying in front of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it! It was so helpless..." Goku sniffled, and wiped the tears that were moments from falling from his eyes.

His family stared at him in disbelief. Gohan blinked a couple times, before removing his father's arm and stalking out the room, complaining about school he had in the morning, and morons. Chi Chi also pushed herself off him and dragged herself to the furthest edge off the bed, before huffing dramatically and closing her eyes. She didn't have the energy to yell at him tonight, instead should would do it tomorrow twice as hard when he did something else stupid. Goten lingered for a minute, staring at his father as Goku hugged him to his chest tightly. Suddenly, he wriggled free of the saiyain's firm grip and running out of the room.

Goku sighed, knowing full well before he started that they would react like this. They didn't understand his pain, and he felt lonely knowing he had to face it on his own.

Just then, he heard feet pattering up the hall and glanced over to the door. To his surprise, he saw the tiny clone of himself in the form of Goten peek his head in.

"Just so you know dad, I checked the kitchen and there's plenty of food. You won't have to go back to the supermarket for at least a couple days," Goten stated and disappeared back to his room. Goku smiled, and laid down his head again to fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Gohan swagged up to the Satan Mansion, swinging his arms as he grasped a modest bunch of flowers in his hand. He'd picked them this morning, after he remembered Videl stating that she loved the blue wildflowers around his house, and didn't like shop bought bouquets. Something about it being romantic, but Gohan didn't care. He was a cheapskate and grateful to not have to fork out 5 zeni for some flowers. He smirked.

He knocked on the door loudly, rather than using the doorbell because he knew it irritated Hercule. When there was no angry yelling, he began to worry. Usually at this point the "world champion" was jabbing his fat finger in Gohan's face and hollering about respect. Today though, no answer. Feeling the small family's ki, he opened the door and followed the sniffling to their living room.

"Gohan? Hey, *sniff*, why don't you come sit down? We're only about ten minutes in." Videl softly spoke gesturing to the seat next to her which was slowly being filled with an ever increasing pile of used tissues. He gazed around the room and noted the pandemonium. Videl was buried under blankets, as she lazily leant against the sofa. Her file was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, her eyes worn and sleepy, and her nose red from all the running snot. His gaze crept across the room, seeing the upturned pile of DVDs that usually occupied the small cabinet between the twin set, looking as if someone had been rooting through. What shocked him was the most, however, was Hercule Satan. His nose was running wild, he was sporting a fluffy pink snuggy and had a hot water bottle clutched against his chest.

Gohan gasped, and barely found the words to express his surprise.

"What... What's wrong with you two?" Gohan quizzed, seriously perplexed by the occurrence.

"We're ill, genius, with the flu. Jeez, under all that hair is there even anything there?" Videl snapped, striking Gohan with her fiery gaze and making him look sheepish. He stuttered, mumbling about how he's never had the flu. Videl tutted, and drifted her attention back to the TV.

"OH GOHAN! I CAN'T BEAR IT! MY HEAD IS SPINNING FURIOUSLY AND MY NOSE IS ALL ICKY!" Hercule shouted, drawing the attention to himself, like always. Gohan jumped about ten foot in the air before his heart returned to a normal pace. Mr Satan started sobbing, he really hated being ill.

"Don't just stand there Gohan, go hug him." His fierce girlfriend demanded.

"Hug him? Why on earth would I want to do that?"

"Just do it, it's the only way to calm him down." Gohan stayed still, looking at her as if she was insane. Although his wailing ceased to stop, his ears were beginning to hurt, so he trudged over to the second couch.

He reached down towards the supposedly burly man, and cautiously leaned to hug his future father-in-law. Suddenly his torso was constricted, and Hercule pulled the startled saiyan next to him, and cried into his shoulder.

"Oh Gohan, why do I have to be ill? I'm the strongest man on earth, I hate to be so weak," Hercule sobbed, ruining Gohan's green shirt. Amazingly, Gohan resisted the urge to point out the fact that he was always weak, and instead tried mumbling comforting words. Videl rolled her eyes, embarrassed at her dad and disappointed at Gohan's ability to be the least comforting person ever.

It was only then that Gohan noticed the movie that they were watching and found himself even more worried about the severity of the situation.

"What are you watching?" Gohan gasped in horror.

"It's dad's favourite movie to watch when he's feeling down." Videl explained, as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Your DAD likes this movie?"

"Yes Gohan. And he's also sitting right there, underneath your godlike physique."

Gohan gushed, while Mr Satan poked out his head from the saiyan's torso.

"How do YOU know that his physique is godlike? I distinctly remember telling you two that you are to remain six inches away from each other at all times..." Hercules ramble ended when he brushed his hand up Gohan's front and felt the chiselled abs of his daughter's boyfriend. His physique was incredible. He made a huff of approval, before facing Videl and winking at her.

"You done good girl, you done _very_ good." Gohan shrieked like a girl and levitated off him, almost smashing through the ceiling. Videl smirked, winking back at her dad as if to say "I know."

Finally recovered, Gohan floated back down and landed as far as possible away from Hercule. He gasped at the exchange between the Satans, and stood dumbfounded. Videl was irritated by her boyfriend's dumb facial expression and snapped.

"Gohan, god help me, if you don't shut your mouth before you literally turn into a fish, I will injure you." Gohan clamped his mouth shut, and looked at her helplessly.

"Now come sit down, I wanna watch the rest of the movie."Videl pleaded, finally looking like her carefree self. Gohan relaxed at her demeanour, and plopped his but on the couch after discarding the tissues. He grabbed her hand, but leaned away when she went to kiss him. He didn't want her cooties. She huffed, but Gohan whispered something in her ear and she giggled.

"Gosh you guys, I'm trying to watch my favourite film!" Hercule grumbled, and tossed a cushion in Gohan's face. They blushed but otherwise remained silent.

A few minutes later, Gohan whispered to Videl again.

"I still can't believe this is your father's favourite movie. I swear both my ears and eyes are bleeding."

"Shut up. He's ill, he has the right to watch movies. And anyway, Bridget Jones' Diary is a great film." Videl countered. Gohan shook his head, and tried to focus on the British chick flick in front of him.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was hanging in the air, a cool breeze swept through the rustling leaves and all was serene in the forest of Mt. Paozu. That was, until Goku and Goten came bumbling through. They were exiled from the house after Chi Chi discovered the empty tin of her favourite biscuits, and followed a suspicious trail of crumbs to where the saiyan and his son were sitting, armed with her trusted frying pan. Needless to say, they both left the house sporting a rather large bump on their foreheads.

They had been walking for two hours when they got bored, so started playing their favourite game of "who can knock over as many trees as possible, by merely using your head" . Goku was winning, with 24 trees compared to the demi-saiyain's 17.

It was Goten's turn next, and he was bracing himself for the impact. He assumed a runner's starting position, then before either of them could realise how ridiculous this game was, sprinted at full pelt towards a particularly big oak. Head hit bark, and a shockwave the size of several nuclear explosions radiated in a 5 mile radius from the epicentre of impact. 50 trees threw their roots in the air as the canopy imploded onto the forest floor, engulfing both Goten and his father.

Goku's hand shot out from between a bile of chestnut-corpses, and he pulled himself from the debris with a surprised expression on his face. he stood up and observed the area around him

"wow Goten, I guess you win. Looks like you toppled the entire wood!" Goku laughed, picking up random trunks and tossing them aside, looking for his son.

"Really dad, you think so?" Goten asked excitedly yet disorientated, as he recovered from a slight concussion. Still buried under branches, he started to giggle triumphantly.

"Umm dad, I can't move... can you come get me out?" Finally worried about his son, but not enough to pick up his pace, Goku leisurely walked to where Goten was trapped and yanked him out by his ankle. Goten hung there limply, with a goofy smile stuck to his face as his father picked out random leaves and bugs that were entangled in his hair and set him down on a nearby log.

Assessing the damage, Goku counted countless cuts and grazes, a particularly large gash down his shin and what looked to be a broken arm, by the protruding ulna that emerged from his skin.

"Hmm..." Goku thought, "How am I going to explain this to Chi Chi?" Looking down to himself he also noticed that his clothes were hanging in tatters and arms were unrecognizable from the blood and mud that was drenching his skin. he also began to ponder the boy's pain tolerance, as Goten's face was still arranged in his usual happy and carefree expression.

After a couple minutes of eerie silence, Goten got bored and piped up, "Daddy I'm bored. Can we go back to the house now?" Goku's eyes practically popped out of his head, and his heart hammered as he imagined the reaction that they would be greeted with when Goten returned in that state.

"NO!" The saiyan screamed, his face paling in fear," no Goten. we cannot return yet." Goten's face fell, and his eyes dropped to the ground. he hated it when his dad shouted.

Sensing his son's despair, Goku quickly covered his tracks: "... Because, you haven't chosen your birthday present yet."

Goten forgot his dark mood in an instant, and jumped into his father's startled lap. " YAY! oh I know exactly what I want! It's gonna be so cool! Trunks'll be so jealous, and I finally.." Goku decided to interrupt him.

"-Well what do you want?"

Goten beamed up at his father, and leaned towards his ear. He whispered what he wanted and pulled back eagerly, awaiting the saiyan's response. Goku stared at his hopeful face, and found himself with a dilemma. He hadn't expected this, and wasn't sure how to answer him. There was no doubt that Goten could be granted his present, but he didn't know how his mother would react.

"Are you sure?" Goku asked his son, attempting to try and dissuade that particular request.

"Yeah dad! I've been thinking about it ever since I first knew about it, and it'll make me a better fighter, and I'd be so cool, and I'll be able to.." Goten broke off as he saw his dad's expression. It was oddly serious, an grimace that was usually alien to his father's face. He suddenly felt unsure of his request, and started to wonder if he had become spoilt like his mum said Trunks was.

"is there... Is there a problem?" Goten asked with a trembling bottom lip.

" I just don't know what to say... I'd say yes, but I'm not sure your mother would allow it." Yet again Goten lost his usual demeanour and his shoulders hunched in disappointment. Lost for words, Goku grabbed his son and embraced him, stroking a hand through his hair.

"Hey son, don't worry, I'll try and persuade your mum. You're the birthday boy after all, in a month's time you'll be 8! We'll give you whatever you want. You have been a good boy for the past year, after all!" This cheered up Goten exponentially, and he gripped his dad's torso tightly.

"Thanks dad! you're the best! I love you!"

"Love you too, son."

Both heads looked up as Gohan touched down on top of an upturned tree trunk, with a startled expression on his face. He had just got back from Videl's when Chi Chi told him to go "retrieve the idiots."

"Guys, pointless question, but did you happen to be playing your moronic tree game again?" Gohan enquired, not sure if he actually wanted to know.

"Yeah Gohan! This time Goten won, he managed to knock down like 50 trees at once!" Goku answered, not noticing the sarcasm. Goten nodded along eagerly. It was at that moment that Gohan noticed Goten's physical state, and had to force down the urge to vomit.

"Jeez Goten, you like death. How the hell are you still alive?" Goten just giggled, not realising that he should probably get medical attention soon before he passes out from blood loss. Goku is a terrible father.

Luckily, Gohan had a sensu bean and forcefully shoved it into Goten's mouth, and didn't move from his position until the wounds were miraculously healed, and his little brother beamed up at him.

"Thanks Gohan! Now I feel much better!" Gohan smiled and picked Goten up to put on his shoulders. Although the injuries were healed Gohan couldn't get the image out of his head and his little brother seemed incredibly fragile.

"C'mon then squirt, Mum's expecting us home, and she's made your favourite!"

Goten, oblivious to Gohan's worries, took advantage of his position on Goten's' shoulders and grabbed his hair and started to pretend the older half-saiyan was a horse.

"Well then giddy up horsey, I'm really hungry!" Goten commanded, then laughed as Gohan performed a gallop-like run and proceeded to take him home. After a few metres Gohan noticed the lack of his father's presence and turned around to shout to him.

Goku had been preoccupied with his new spider friend, "Arach-nick", which is probably the smartest thing Goku will ever come up with. He was so preoccupied, that he had missed the entire exchange and didn't even notice when Gohan turned to look at him, sighed, then cantered off with his younger son.

His stomach rumbled, so he carefully (he used more care with Arach-nick than he did with his broken son) slide him into his pocket then used instant transmission to land himself at the dinner table just in time for his sons to walk in the door.

"Ha losers, beat you!" Goku yelled. Goten looked to his father in awe whilst Gohan repeatedly counted to ten in his head to stop himself from throwing Goku out the window.

**A/N**

**Hey, sorry for the inconsistent updates, but I just finished mock exams. They were so stressful, but so far I've ended up with 3 A's and an A*!. **

**I wonder what Goten asked for? And finally, an introduction to the other family of stupid saiyans in the next chapter. hopefully. :)**


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